It’s as if Madame Web were actively looking for one more way to disappoint: we requested the 4K for review, and received a Blu-ray instead. That’s not necessarily an uncommon phenomenon; it’s just an amusing one in light of the way the movie over-promises and under-delivers, to the point of getting a rare (negative) consensus among fans and critics. Could it be that the 4Ks were too popular and in-demand? That seems unlikely, but perhaps, like us, everyone else was curious to revisit this cinematic misfire, knowing what we know now, to see if it could be redeemed even as camp.
If any of that is to be found, it’s in the extras, where star Dakota Johnson declares, “I have always really loved Marvel movies and Sony Marvel movies!” No disrespect to Ms. Johnson, who comes across intelligently in print interviews and on Saturday Night Live, but that’s the kind of thing a person says to cue everyone they’re being held hostage. Not one person on this earth is saying, “I look forward to Kraven the Hunter, because I love Sony Marvel movies!” That’s not a thing. Morbius couldn’t even garner an ironic fanbase after fans mocked the crap out of it. People love the Spider-Verse animated movies, and many of us think Tom Hardy’s hilarious, in a good way, as Venom. Nobody has “always really loved” Sony Marvel movies, with their obvious desperation to cash in on every obscure Spider-Man villain they still own the rights to.
Spider-Man, Sleight of Hand
Watching the extras, you want to reach through the screen and yell at some of these folks, ‘You do realize we’ve seen the movie, right?” Because, to cite one example, there’s an entire featurette about Sydney Sweeney, Celeste O’Connor, and Isabela Merced training to move and fight like spiders…for the single scene in the entire movie in which they do that. Like the marketing for the movie when it was in theaters, the included featurettes suggest this will be a movie about sexy spider-girls, rather than one where they only have their powers in a single flash-forward. (Well, technically, two; but they look shot on the same day and location.)
The girls (and the nonbinary O’Connor) remain consistently enthused, especially Sweeney, who constantly conveys sheer delight that she’s going to be Spider-Woman. Perhaps it’s just a matter of being young and not yet jaded, but they sell their EPK banter so much more convincingly than Johnson. No surprise, perhaps, that Merced is already in the new DC universe, and Sweeney is being hyped as a possible Black Cat in the MCU’s Spider-Man 4, making clear just how irrelevant this Spider-Man adjacent movie really is to overall continuity.
Director SJ Clarkson is so self-serious as to engender sympathy, pushing her comic-book knowledge especially hard in a featurette about easter eggs. Say, did you know the girls mention cherry pie at the diner because Peter Parker canonically enjoys cherry pie too? Good to know it wasn’t a pander to fans of Twin Peaks or Warrant, maybe.
Missing Inaction
The sole deleted scene is just an alternate take of Adam Scott’s Ben telling Johnson’s Cassie she had a near-death experience. Nobody was asking to see this. The gag reel at least gives us a little bit more of the girls in spider-suits; it might have been nice to include them in their entirety as deleted scenes, even digitally unfinished. But speaking of unfinished, it becomes abundantly clear in the behind-the-scenes material just how much bluescreen was in use. Some folks may think the aesthetic is more “real” than the MCU, but it ain’t. It is, however, shot by Mauro Fiore, cinematographer of Avatar and Training Day. So it has that going for it.
Sadly, the rest of the film is still a mess. It’s arguably a mess of too many different ideas that don’t serve each other well. “What if Spider-Man were evil?” is a decent hook, and a nice change from all the evil Superman tales we’ve seen recently. “What if this old, blind and lame woman from the comics were young and hot and not disabled yet?” is a very crassly Hollywood pitch, but if that’s your angle, push it. Connecting the two with “What if the Terminator wanted to stop three future Spider-Women from becoming superheroes?” is where it all falls apart, despite (or maybe because of) said Spider-Women being more interesting and committed than the primary heroine and villain.
Arachnophobia
The story, credited to many writers and probably Frankensteined by producers, brings back memories of ’90s era New Line sci-fi, wherein ever character was required to explain what they were doing by talking out loud to themselves, and every plot point must be reiterated at least twice. We never know exactly what bad guy Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim, with most of his dialogue clearly dubbed in post) even does for a living now that he has super spider powers, and Cassie swings wildly from compassionate interventionist to wildly irresponsible child-hater. She’s flummoxed by a little kid handing her a drawing, yet sometimes wants to be mother figure to three teens, until she suddenly doesn’t again. Then does.
Also: why does Pepsico maintain a giant warehouse full of dangerous explosives that go off like fireworks? And if Amazonian super-spiders give everyone they bite magical powers, how exactly do they ever manage to feed on anything? Think about it. Plus it’s hilarious that the movie just makes up a “spider-power” of being in three places at once so it can contrive a climax requiring specifically that. Not hilarious enough to make the whole movie worthwhile, but someone will inevitably make YouTube highlight reels that could be fun.
Sticking Points
It makes sense that “Madame Web” sounds close enough to “My Damn Web,” like the damn spider web I just cleaned out of the bathroom that got in the way, made a mess, and didn’t even do what it was supposed to (no trapped flies detected). Depending on your personal preferences and type, it may be better eye-candy than Morbius, at least.
Movie: 1.5/5
Package and extras: 1.5/5
Madame Web arrives on 4K, Blu-ray, and DVD April 30th,
